Funny things
Alex: C is for Lemon.
Linaja: I want to be the big spoon now.
Alex (confused):
Linaja: roll over.
Alex: no matter which way we orient, I’ll still be larger.
Linaja: what if we had a dwarf child?
Alex: they would be shorter.
Linaja: I don’t know this position.
Alex: just act like you’re a dog.
Linaja: what if we have a girl?
Alex: we would give her a girl’s name.
Alex: how much of this is “you want to be pregnant” and how much is “you like peeing on things”?
Alex: I need to poop.
Linaja (laughs): okay? Thanks for telling me?
Alex: does this count as a thing for the funny list?
Linaja: do you think you’re a prodigy?
Alex: don’t you think I’m a bit old for that?
Linaja: can you tell me what having a baby will be like other than the poop?
Alex: there will be other fluids.
Linaja: I don’t think Cam meant anything by saying you were gay for owning opera costumes.
Alex: He also thought Bill Clinton was gay for having sex with Monica Lewinsky, so his gaydar might be a little sensitive.
Alex: you cannot be mad if the “funny things” list is longer (than the “nice things”list).
Linaja: It sounds windy.
Alex: um, that’s the furnace.
Linaja: I think the prenup should say if either of us has delusional thoughts of wanting to kill the baby, we have to tell the other one and get help.
Alex: That’s a weird thing… to put in writing.
Linaja: I haven’t enjoyed the chapters on schizophrenia and autism as much as I did the chapters on deafness and dwarfs.
Alex: yeah, they’re (people with autism and schizophrenia) not exactly known for being jolly.
Linaja: why would you run a triathlon? You have to stop drinking alcohol and you go to the hospital at the end.
Alex: you also have to do that when you’re having a baby.
Linaja: yeah, but you get a baby after.
Linaja: why can the king only move one space?
Alex: There is no accompanying novel to chess. We don’t know why the pieces are fighting each other or how they obtained their powers.
Linaja: when I was a child, I went through a “I want to be a doctor/veterinarian when I grow up” phase.
Alex: As a veterinarian, you would get to be around animals all day … but they would all be sick.
Linaja: I don’t know how to organize it all
Alex: how about a binder?
Linaja: a menstruation binder? Wouldn’t that be weird?
Alex: weirder than a menstruation fridge?
L: it seems to have sunk in that sometimes if you’re nice to people, you get to cum inside them. (note: did I phrase it as “me”?)
A: yes, I haven’t exactly done the math here but I think every nice comment saves me about $275.
Alex (shaking Linaja’s butt): it feels wrong to use the word jiggly now.
Linaja: how many whiskeys have you had?
Alex: the whiskey will continue until the football improves.
Alex: don’t let my mom know how much you paid for these stamps
Alex (explaining wireworld): you probably don’t want the hourlong description of how this works.
Alex: it’s not the I’m not happy; it’s just that my voice is not happy.
Me: aren’t you glad you didn’t have a layover?
Alex: eh, I could have gotten airport food like Caribou Coffee, Dunkin’ Donuts, or McDonald’s.
Alex: you look like classic Linaja this way.
Me (with bangs/hair in ponytail): what do I look like with bangs?
Alex: “fancy Linaja” with your bangs, and your new shirt, and your hair ribbons.
Linaja: should "fancy Linaja" go on the nice list?
Alex: you put that on the “funny” list?
Alex: Linaja told me I’m supposed to ask you (Kaitlin) questions.
Alex: you’re a dork.
Linaja: me?! I don’t even know python.
Alex: that would be a geek.
Linaja: I love you. You’re so smart, and weird, and say funny things.
Alex: aw.
Linaja: now say nice things back.
Alex: I love you. You’re so smart and ticklish.
Linaja: did you say ticklish?
Alex: was it nice?
Linaja: ticklish? No? It’s going on the “funny list.”
Linaja: pandas fill out the bottom of the bell curve.
Narrator: …when the baby is 18 months old, the mother will separate from her youngster.
Alex: that’s why they’re so dumb. They don’t have a good primary education.
Alex: I had a dream last night. It was like pinewood derby, but it was kids on top of Roombas.
Linaja: you have to let me win.
Alex: thumb war is a game of skill and merit. If it was meant to be peaceful, it would be called a thumb gathering.
(After discussing monasteries)
Alex: i would not describe you as chaste or obedient.
Linaja: i think that’s a compliment.
Linaja: She worked in a hostel that used to be a homeless shelter. Occasionally, people would come by and complain that the rent went up.
(Sharing one bathroom)
Alex: should I go pee before you get in the bath?
Linaja: you can go pee while I’m in the bath.
Alex: just no farting.
Linaja: just no pooping. You can fart (while I’m in the bath), but I’m going to tell my friends.
Alex: in this house we wash food that we took out of the trash can.
Linaja: there should be a way to keep water in a tub and….
Alex: it’s called a hot tub.
Linaja: did I just invent the hot tub?
(Supposed to wait 48 hours before providing semen sample)
Alex: Forgive me for I have sinned. :(
Do you think 36 hours will be OK, or do I have to make two trips to Waukee?
Linaja: I finally got the perfect shoes to complete my gardening uniform—Hunter gardening clogs.
Alex: this is technically more “gathering,” but I’ll allow it.
Linaja: Coffee coffee coffee
Alex: Coffee coffee coffee
Linaja: Penis penis penis
Alex: somehow, that’s less sexy, even though it’s literally about sex.
Linaja: I think you’re sexy.
Alex: I know, you’re literally having sex with me right now.
Alex: i feel like “concise” is generally an accurate way of describing my writing style.
Linaja: yes, but the emails are still so long!
Linaja (talking about how expensive IVF is): but Alex gives $10k-$25k to startups all the time so it’s not that big of a deal.
Cat: and… when you think about it, babies are the ultimate startup.
Linaja: I almost got you a birthday card that said “this occasion calls for a little pot.” It had a woman’s hand holding a tiny flower pot… But I didn’t know where to score any marijuana to make the pun work. So I got you a card with a robot on it instead.
Alex: And did you get me a robot?
Linaja: Will you take care of me after the surgery?
Alex: yes.
Linaja: Will there be ice cream.
Alex (tentatively): yes.
Linaja: why the hesitation?
Alex: well, on the other hand it’s not your throat that’s being operated on, you could have more substantial fare.
(At the grocery store)
Linaja: we saved $19 on soda because of the deal.
Alex: well, actually, if there wasn’t a sale we wouldn’t have bought any soda, so it cost us $19.
Linaja: oh.
Alex: the best deal would have been bringing my mom with us, because she would have paid for the groceries.
Linaja (at Chinese buffet): I’m so full.
Alex: is that all you can eat? Actually, this is not a test of your eating ability.
Linaja: If I make you a list of nice things, will you say them to me?
Alex: xantham: We could just cut out the middleman.
Alex: you hinted at it. He likes to sell things. You know (nodding), stuff. Things that kids want.
Linaja: I want to get snuggly.
Alex (at Mexican restaurant): not until we get home.
Alex (on where babies come from): when a man loves a woman who doesn’t have a uterine septum….
Nurse: no pelvic activity for a week.
Linaja and Alex (nod)
Nurse: no baths for a few weeks
Linaja and Alex (in unison): a few WEEKS?!
Alex: look at this football player who's 464 pounds.
(watches 30 second clip)
Linaja: what's interesting about that is that he's probably sexually attracted to women who weigh about 120 pounds.
Linaja: that should give me enough money so that I don’t have to live in my mother’s apartment building when I’m 62.
Alex: she won’t still be there then.
Alex: I should probably get some Adderall and just clean the house all day.
Linaja (on Jacob and Esau)
Alex: back when women were women and men were rabbits.
(On travel options)
Linaja: We could go to Costa Rica. I didn’t get to do any animals the last time i went.
Linaja: Where does the time go? Do the fairies eat it?
Alex: That’s an unusual theory of physics, but I’ll allow it.
Alex: if you’re ashamed to show it to people, it’s a hoard. For example: "come over and see the 42 golf putters in my living room" is a collection. "Don’t come over because I have 42 golf putters in my living room"? It’s a hoard.
Linaja: I love her (Joni) so much.
Alex: it’s because you don’t have to clean up her poops.
Alex: it’s not polite to do anything harder than alcohol on the wedding day.
Linaja: wouldn’t it be nice to have this dress in more colors?
Alex: yes, you can have 255, one for each hex code.
Linaja: I am not sure what they say in response to “peace be with you” anymore.
Alex: stay on offense.
Alex: statistically you’re healthier than a clam.
Linaja: ??
Alex: isn’t that a saying? Healthy as a clam.
Linaja: happy as a clam.
Linaja: I don’t feel very sexy.
Alex: you’re still sexy on the outside.